I'm happy. 

quit yer whining.

i've spent all of this beautifully crisp cool sunday afternoon translating, or making an attempt at it. do you have a fucking clue what "bell wire" or "coaxial cable with threaded end fittings called F-connectors" are in Korean? if you do and could tell me then maybe i can go for this job in midtown with a translating company. maybe then i could finally give my two-weeks' notice to my boss and really for once stick it to the man.

but if not,
i. will. not. be. bitter.

sit up. breathe. there, there.

i'm sitting on the cold hard-wood floor of my queens apartment listening to charlie parker and trying to forget about work. stressing over work after working hours is one of my biggest pet peeves and i do it too often for my own liking.

and daunting uncertainties, yet another nagging source of stress.

gah.

lemme ask you something.

do you need a vacation?

do you hate the system?

and if someone had the ability to tell you exactly where and with whom you'd be doing what one or two years from now, would you want to know?

does it matter?

i'm sitting in my house imagining water pouring in from everywhere. through the second floor veranda, through my bedroom window, through the door. maybe through the roof and ceiling too. it keeps thundering in until there is no sound, none at all. the bed, the clothes, the books, the cds, the pictures, the little pile of notes, my share of trinkets i've kept for years are all suddenly gone. irretrievable. there is nothing but mad thunderous water in my house. and i'm in it too.

then what?


it's doggone crazy (Mayor of New Orleans on WWL-sound file)

i'm at my second part time gig and it's all right, i guess.

my head feels like a helium balloon.

this sweater needs to be dry cleaned.

i read this story online that made me go, yeah, know what you mean.

"...Suddenly it seemed, according to this new way of living, that you just woke up each day and saw what happened.

She even felt sometimes now a reckless disregard for her future, this future that she had agonized so painstakingly over for so long. She had thoughts of jumping off bridges, of flinging herself in front of cars. But these fantasies amused her, not as morbid longings, but simply possibilities.

The world seemed full of all sorts of possibilities.

Even having babies. She suddenly thought of a baby in a new way. Not as a thing she would have with someone in the obligatory fashion, that she would therefore be justified, they would make a triad. But as a person to whom she could show this glorious world.

She found herself having dreamy thoughts, wild meandering thoughts, that led her to the most peculiar places, weedy byways...."

read full story here

dee dee bridgewater, i heart thy divine vocalizations.

scat!

why be shy?

the japanese director of general affairs took it rather well. tomorrow i'm gonna come clean with the nightmarish south korean executive and i'm gonna stick to my guns, no matter what. i feel so good and happy, like a heavy weight's been lifted off my shoulders.

everything is brand new and overflowing with potentiality. this here, the very goosepimply stuff of life.



the funniest phone conversation of a well-suited corporate monkey i overheard on third and forty-second:

"so you don't have a girlfriend and your wrist is broke. what are you gonna do?"

i just crossed off #2 from today's to do list. it feels great.

---
my horoscope according to yahoo.co.jp:

総合運 　100点/100点

この日はあなたにとって、大きなターニングポイントとなる１日になります。この日１日をどう過ごすかによって、これからの運勢が大きく変わっていくでしょう。この時期に行動力を発揮しておくと、今後の幸運につながり、問題が起こった時でも周囲の人からの助けを得られやすくなります。また、積極的な行動は経済的な幸運にもつながります。今後のあなたの幸運を自由にコントロールできるすばらしい一日と言えるでしょう。

i heart riding the trains.

and so i admit i'm a little high strung. i remind myself to stop and breathe, sometimes.

hellooooooooooo, new york city.

wireless in my cozy single!

::squeal::

it is heart-wrenchingly beautiful outside. all you people unbound to cubicles and fancy-free, please go soak up an extra ray of ultraviolets for me.

a Sri Lankan friend said,

"Thank you for your condolences. None of my family was affected I think. We still have not been able to reach one aunt. But she is probably okay. In third world countries, it is of course only poor people who really suffer. Those who live near the ocean are the poor and they of course all lost homes and family members. It is also kind of weird to suddenly see so many south- Asians on CNN...only when there is a tragedy."

i lost my cell phone again. i might as well not replace it, not again. the problem is, i only have two or three numbers memorized. if you want to reach me, look up and make a wish.

after some fortuitous turn of events i am now working for a denuclearized korean peninsula and using all three languages i know. really.

it was so good being in michigan. it was good seeing esther's mom and brothers and friends and relatives and father. i shared a can of beer with esther's mom and put my arm around her and later gave her the long purple scarf that made me think of esther the entire time i was knitting it. she said thank you.

and it was good being near esther again and feeling the grass and running my fingers across her name and saying hello, again. we missed you. happy birthday, baby girl. esther's mom told us that esther told us not to be sad but be happy. she always said, mom, be happy.

with esther's brother james and his housemates, we drank too much again. as james pointed out, i don't have the Choi in me and i can't hold my liquor. my stomach still hurts from this weekend in ann arbor. my body seems to have forgotten how to process alcohol since that last time in michigan, after esther's funeral. i kept passing out and being the party fouler.

otherwise, we had so much fun and didn't want to leave at the end. i miss everyone already. i miss heather and james and joe and carl and natalie and denise and david and brian and ben and jamie and sumit and esther's mom and dad and, of course, i miss esther most of all.

leaving for michigan in a couple of hours. still packing.

i woke up on the other side of town this morning and waited for the bus back home at dawn. the sun streaked orange and pink on the pale gauze of eastern sky. an esther-less world, illuminated.

i used to sleep in esther's bed all the time. spring semester we slept side by side like sisters. and in many ways she was a sister to me. the girl had this infectious personality that you simply couldn't resist. her presence was that contagious. and she hated sleeping alone. in fact, she hated being alone in general. some nights if i didn't show up in her room, she would come searching for me, storming into my room unannounced, asking if i wanted to have a smoke. she came looking for me, a loner by habit.

what can i say, i wish i could have been there for her more. i'm so sorry if i ever made her feel lonely because i don't know how to be open, be comfortable with another person. in the end though, she changed the people she loved. she taught me to enjoy the company of others. she gave me some of that infectious love of life and people.

my lifetime to thank her.

to-day i spent nearly two hours in the morning primping and prepping for a job interview, two hours total walking east to west and north to south in manhattan, four and half hours (two round trips--goddamn those buses) in mass transit, approximately twenty-one minutes being interviewed for a not-so-promising NGO position, twenty-three minutes catching up with a childhood friend i ran into at the bus terminal, sixty-four minutes learning how to make jazz singing in a fourth floor walk-up, and seven minutes savoring a contraband cigarette on my walk down third avenue.

if i could fly, i could have spent that four and half hours of my day on better and finer things of life. or on more desperate and seemingly fruitless online job searches. suppose i am doing it all wrong?

now i aspire to spend countless hours unconscious and not worrying about where my next paycheck is gonna come from. because i have bills to pay and stuff i need to buy but while i'm asleep i'll magically forget all about them. plus, my last paycheck from my last lame ass job has yet to make an appearance in my mailbox, still remaining at large somewhere in the dark abyss of mail limbo, but while i'm dreaming of unicorns and lollipops, i wouldn't know a thing about it but it wouldn't matter either.

i can sleep in as late as i want tomorrow. and that's a gorgeous thing.

we love you and miss you so much.
happy birthday, Esther.